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Babies = crazies

I’m going to be totally honest here: I feel like the path to getting pregnant can and will drive you batty if you let it. My intense obsession with every twitch, twang, or possible bodily change is certifiable. I can’t get work done. I cancel meetings so I can skulk about on (TwW reading bfp stories. It’s sick.
Perhaps the craziest thing Is that at the end of the two week wait and another negative-pregnancy test, things magically go back to normal for another 10 to 12 days until the cycle starts up all over again. I end up with 2 weeks of sane days each month if I’m lucky.

Lately, the sane period has been spend researching what I did wrong last month. I say this in the best most lighthearted way possible, because I know that any given month you only have about a 25% chance of conception, so it’s not that you did anything wrong, per se, but I like to think of things as this magical process where maybe I can figure out how to make my egg fertilize and implant by trying various and sundry methods.

After our first fail month, I went to target and got What to Expect before You’re Expecting. It had some good information, but the ditzy format for information delivery was really annoying to me.

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Titles like the above complete with cute little quips made me feel like I was being talked down to. I’m sure this was not the authors goal, but regardless, I felt that way. I read it anyway, cover to cover, along with Taking Charge of your Fertility— a must have in any TTC arsenal. I ordered Preseed— which my husband hates but I use it anyway, and I got the best prenatal a i could find. Tick down a month, another negative. So I tried the book Making Babies. I switched my diet. I tried to be less stressed. I focused inward.

Negative.

The next month I did all the same stuff I had done all the other months but ate pineapple and added baby aspirin to my daily routine. I kept trying to not be stressed. That, I realized, is like trying to stop a train from hitting you if you are standing in the middle of the tracks with no plans on going anywhere. I like to stress myself out, apparently. Every month I started testing at like 8DPO hoping for the miracle, magical, early BFP.

Negative.

Then I had a breakdown. I really felt like I was going crazy. Every month, I worked myself up into such a frenzy that i became this insane, obsessed, let me google every symptom by days-post-ovulation to see if maybe, just maybe, someone else out there has felt this way/experienced this/had this exact same thing happen to them. And every month I would be left in tears staring at the lack of double lines on a pee stick and the inevitable appearance of my monthly flow.

Last month, after telling myself to not be crazy, not read into every sign, etc etc etc I still did it, and got swept into a 13 day vortex where nothing much got done and I ended up at the close of the month feeling more depressed and low than ever. I set about with a new goal for this month— that I may obsess, I may be crazy, but that i was going to really try to not do the testing starting at 8-9 DPO, that I was going to spend less time on the internet message boards, and I was going to focus more on the happy, wonderful things in my life– like my husband, our dog, our cat, our sweet little house. I was going to focus on the nice life we have, because you know that, apparently, getting pregnant takes an epic long time. And my worrying about it isn’t going to make it happen any faster.

Doesn’t mean I’m not totally crazy this month, it just means i’m trying to be less crazy than the normal me that turns into a hag.

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