First Trimester

Happy I didn’t Start My Period Day!

I feel like today deserves a little celebration: it’s the day my period was due to start! And it didn’t!! And now there is dancing in the streets and much celebration. I think that I kind of needed today to make me feel less crazy… I have now peed on a total of (3) cheap internet tests (Wondfro Brands) and 1 FRER to be sure my lines were getting darker (they are!) I have had about eighty million conversations with God praying that everything will be ok. It’s so weird– it feels like I’ve been in this strange vortex where everything is very frightening and nothing seems “right.” Every cramp makes me analyze it– is it my uterus stretching? Is it gas? Is it the sign of something awful? Is my baby ok? Is my BABY OK??

I have had really bad gas since Friday, and now that I know I’m pregnant it seems really early to have this level of gas. But I guess it’s normal. It’s really painful sometimes. I have some pain in my upper shoulders/back and I think it’s from gas but I googled it and I got paranoid because it could be a sign of etopic pregnancy. I’m pretty sure it’s from the hormone relaxin, which makes me have way more gas and relaxes other muscles and ligaments in the body, thus is nothing I should worry about. But seriously, how do I not worry? How can a mother to be not freak over every little unknown mystery going on in her body?

Before I got pregnant, i used to think that pregnant ladies were crazy and dramatic. I thought they clearly had something wrong with them to be so dramatic about lifting boxes or eating unheated deli meat. Now, a mere 72 hours into my pregnancy, I have become the dramatic pregnant woman. I will not lift a heavy box. I don’t care how crazy early it is. I will not put any potentially dangerous food or substance into my body. I feel like I am the first person this has happened to, ever, and my experiences are unique and traumatic and damnit, people ought to feel bad for me. Problem is…people can’t know about my tiny miracle and thus can’t feel bad for me, I have to suffer in silence.

To add to the traumatic gas issue– and it’s pretty traumatic, I’m also really moody and emotional. I go from being really happy to a total evil woman in about .2 seconds. Everything is really irritating. I will just be trying to live my life normally and some small little thing will set me off, and I’ll go crazy insane and want to break some stuff. I cried during the movie Ted because I really was touched. It’s not the kind of movie I expected to be touched by.

This. Is. Crazy. I told my husband I’d probably keep peeing on sticks until Friday, but I suddenly feel better now. I feel like I can finally realize and admit that YES, I am pregnant. It’s not some random fluke. It’s for real. My temp was still in the mid 98’s, I am feeling like i am a gas bag, my boobs hurt to hell… I’m pregnant.

I’m sure I’ll probably have a few more days of this unreal stuff going on. I know i should treasure every moment. I am going to. My baby is officially 4 weeks old today 😀

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