Oh, my, what a week. It’s not been intensely busy or anything, but let me tell you– it has been intensely exhausting, and I’ve not been able to find the energy or inclination to do much of anything, including any work. As I near the start of my 9th week (yay!) I am feeling the real burn of the first trimester and how it does totally exhaust you, mentally and physically, and just makes you want to lie around and do nothing. I’ve been soaking up around 11 hours of sleep a night– well, let me edit to say that I’ve been going to bed and getting out of bed 11 hours later, but with every other hour pee sessions and terrific nightmares, my evenings have been not altogether restful. I did get started on the zofran and it’s made a big difference in my nausea, but I am still feeling sick and my constipation is unreal, y’all– like, I never knew how awful being constipated was! It’s terrible.
I don’t want to whine too much, but I feel like I don’t have a lot of places to whine. My emotions are getting the best of me and I feel like I am running my wonderful husband off a lot of the times because I am not fun to be around and I just want to lie around and I think that translates to lazy and anti-social. I have a bit of an anxiety problem around people, which is funny because I’m really gregarious and friendly, but I absolutely hate being in a room of people I don’t know and even sometimes with people I do know I’d rather just recoil inside myself. I’ve never taken a personality test but I bet I’m an introvert. Being pregnant has made that all the worst for me— I just don’t want to be around people. Part of it is that I feel like I am constantly on the verge of snapping and just saying something inexcusably rude. And trust me, that happens a lot– I will open my mouth and I’ll just be a downright bitch. I’m quick to anger and frustration and then can turn on a dime and get teary and emotional. It’s rough. My husband is far more social than I am and I feel like my super anti-socialness is making things worse– he keeps asking if I want to do things with people, and I keep turning him down. And as crappy as this makes me sound as person, my awkwardness is amplified without the social lubricant of alcohol I used to suck it up and go and grab a drink and let that help the anxiety go away (not saying I threw back gallons here, but one drink would take the edge off) and now I don’t have that crutch and I feel like I’m standing in a room naked and being forced to come up with witty and engaging stories to tell people. And it’s hard. Hard when I feel like crap and my stomach is hurting from being nauseous and constipated all at once, and I’m tired and I just want to be on the couch watching television and not thinking and not talking and not doing anything.
To top it off, pregnancy is also making me re-confront and readdress all these things that i thought I had already figured out about what kind of parent I was going to be. Pre-pregnancy I was so sure of what I wanted to do, and now all of that is out the window. It’s like it’s amplifying all my fears and anxieties. And then things like Sandy Hook happen, and it makes you just want to cry and go live in a bunker somewhere, because the world is just so, so scary.
Adding to my bag of whinery, I am super bloated and have put on 8 lbs–most of which i am sure deal with the bloat and the inability to poop. I was getting ready to go to a cookie exchange and my husband pointed out I wasn’t going to be able to keep it a secret much longer, which just made me feel fat and gross— because it’s not like there’s some cute baby bump there.
All in all, it’s been a rough week. I am hoping the future week of posts will be happier. I am going to talk about the 9 week milestones, of course, and hopefully do the post I wanted to do on the flu shot (I am still getting that one together). And a week from Tuesday we officially share our news with family, so I am excited about talking more about our plans for that– I just need to focus on the upside and not let all these crazy hormones drag me down. I’m realizing that is really far easier said than done!