Let’s make it official, dear readers. I have officially worked out every day and stuck to my diet every day (other than Friday when I had a few cocktails, but they were logged and accounted for, thank you very much), for a week. I know that this probably seems like nothing, but after a sad life of logging all my food forever (my first “diet” at age 15 consisted of a three day fast followed by a 20 fat gram per day “diet regime” where I was often woozy and felt weak all the time, this is a milestone for me. I’ve often been on one spectrum or the other: either on a crazy diet fad or “plan” or on the couch eating a tub of ice cream.
Over the years, in my “diet journey”– because I won’t be delusional here and call it a “health journey,” I have pretty much popped every kind of diet pill you can imagine. I’ll write about it, it would be too long of a blog post to tell you all of the times I have been in search of the one pill that was going to basically make me thin overnight. For the people that know my struggle, you know the one I’m talking about. I don’t know how many 100s– no 1,000s of dollars I’ve wasted at this point on things with herbs, non-prescription phentermine, caffeine-laced this or that that basically only made me feel sick to my stomach. I never lost more than a few pounds on anything other than phentermine, and let’s face it, no one can stay on phentermine forever. If you’ve been on it, you know what I’m talking about.
Previously, I wrote about deciding to work out, and you can read all about that here. But let’s go ahead and get excited and call the press and tell everyone: I have kept with it for one full, real week! And maybe the worst part is over.
Here is a totally unflattering post workout picture of me longing for death after the Total Cardio Fix that is filled with inspirational messages about how you can do it! (I can’t do half of it! )I think I need to take back the part where I say “I can do it and it’s going to get easier” (I can hear Autumn say “no, Hillary, you get better”.)
I was pretty sure I was going to wake up this morning unable to get down the stairs, but I woke up and holy shit, I walked down the stairs and i didn’t cry! I didn’t even wince! It was some kind of Christmas miracle, everyone! I pretty much wanted to stop everything and call all the news outlets, but I knew they wouldn’t really care about my triumphs.
Then, the real miracle happen. I got on the scale and lo and behold, I had lost 2 lbs! Now, people, this is huge, because I’ve been losing at some kind of horrific snail pace since having my kid. It’s been like my metabolism has totally shut down and said “No thanks. I’m not interested in burning calories or operating at any kind of efficiency.” About a year ago, when I decided I needed to get real about my weight loss, I went to a medical weight loss place (I was hoping for phentermine, instead I got a pep talk on how i needed to eat 8 calories a day). I’m just being honest about the drugs here, okay? I don’t really see a point in sugar-coating the reality of how I kept looking for a quick fix or the fact that there are lots of places out there that will give you these drugs if you are willing to pay for them and if you understand that as soon as you go off of them, the weight is going to pile back on. I really need to write a blog post about that. Okay, I’m going to do that tomorrow. It’s going to be called “true confessions with my (former) BFF phentermine.” Stay tuned. Because I’m apparently just going ahead and telling everything about my life and times on the internet, privacy and secrecy be damned. TRANSPARENCY, right?
Anyway, back to my morning: I had lost 2 lbs! It’s taken me a month to lose 2 lbs on Weight Watchers, and I did it in a week of working out like a hardcore fitness winner! This totally made me feel like some kind of fitness badass. I meal prepped and danced around like I was invincible. I had this glow about me. I walked up all the flights of stairs to the writing institute. I walked across campus to get an unsweetened ice tea and thought about all the healthy choices I was making, and I felt empowered and strong and crazy wonderful about every.single. one. I had this great conversation about all of it with myself, asking the healthy me about when was the last time I’d felt this good about my health decisions, and I’d realized that the answer was NEVER. NEVER IN MY LIFE.
Every other time that I’ve ever tried to lose weight, or get “healthy,” I’ve used a crutch, like pills, or starvation, or some fad diet. I’ve never said: “I’m going do this the healthy old-fashioned way, with diet and exercise.” And as a consequence, I’ve pretty much always felt really crappy along the way, with a growling stomach and a bad attitude, or hyped up on diet drugs that cause a total relapse when you’re off of them. But this time feels different.
I almost feel like by saying that, it commits me to actually following through on this– like I really HAVE to stick with it, now. Autumn reminds me that it takes 21 days to break a bad habit and start a new one. I’m on day 8 today. I can do this.